Graffiti Heart

You have broken my heart as you have tried to sweep it underneath the rug. Hoping that I may have forgotten what you have done to me. It was your kind heart that pulled me in. Now, this heart is left with a permanent scar, still trying to make it without you. This pill is too hard to swallow as tears begin to fall wishing that this never happened at all. I want to love you like there is no tomorrow. While my heart keeps on bleeding in love over you. This feeling is like a dagger straight through the heart, even though rumors have it; that you were loving someone else. This heart of mine can not deal with this heartache. As your looking for my sign of remorse, this heart is in a bit of denial if it's true. This is hurting me deep within my soul, trying not to believe everything that I am told. There goes my heart that I have laid out on the table. Tears that I have cried filled with dignity due to pain. No, I can not bear this broken heart, you put upon me. I am losing bits and pieces of myself while hiding behind a shelf carrying out all this pain. A journey of a heartbroken girl. 

As I look

 

As I look at the feature ahead of me, I see an abundance of happiness staring in front of me. Leaving behind broken hearts with tears in them.

As I look at the feature ahead of me, I see an abundance of laughter, just waiting for me. Opening up my heart as it begins to fulfill my soul.

As I look at the feature ahead of me, no signs of negativity will be visible to me, not even an ounce of me.

As I look at the feature ahead of me, I begin to see loose chains as a sign of relief.

As I look at the feature ahead of me, I give praise to the Lord for reconnecting me to my other family.

As I look at the feature ahead of me, I feel an abundance of warmth within my heart and soul.

Straight from the heart

Kill this numbness in my heart. I want to be able to say I love you like all little girls love their father.
You show no signs of affection, nor any indications that you truly care about me. I'm tired of shedding tears of the heart because you are not here! 

I can't cross that invisible line. I can't see. Growing up with just one parent hurts. I can never express how much pain I feel knowing that my father never took the time to get to know me. Even to this day, hearing lies after lies Not even a simple, "Hi, how are you?" Every day is ripping at my heart and soul. I just want to break down and cry.

I can go into the memory of writing to you, waiting so patiently for your reply. I can only recall one letter out of all those times. This letter is still with me today. There were plenty of times when I chose to give up on finding you. Just so I can have you as my father in my life, no matter how old I get, I will always want you in my life. This heart is broken into many pieces. I don't understand how much love I have around me. that my heart was able to stay together. But there is just one piece that just lays there waiting for you to piece it together.

It hurts that you make up excuses for why you can't pick up the phone or even e-mail me back. I'm sitting here playing the waiting game. A game a daughter shouldn't ever play. It's like you're mad at me for what has occurred. This incident should never have happened, but since it did, I can still live my life. Live my life with constant reminders: pop a pill in my mouth every day. 

Father - Daughter

 

I’m sick of separation. I want to have that father-daughter bond. But, I’m holding onto memories I just can’t let go of. As they say, the harder they fall, the harder they break, and that is how my heart feels, not knowing who the other half of me is. I want to mend this broken part of mine because growing up without you here twenty-four seven and three hundred and sixty-five days of the year simply breaks my heart. All I get to hear is the sound of your voice. It only gives me a feeling I cannot describe.
One day, I just want to pick up the phone and say "hey Dad." I know that day will come. I just need to take a few steps at a time. Much as silence kills a person, I know it hurts you more knowing your oldest daughter, remains silent when you are around, while nothing can ever replace the past. I just want to build a father-daughter relationship. It just needs to take a few steps at a time. I know that bond will happen, slowly but surely, it will grow through time! Just take it a few steps at a time.

Truth reveals

  Silence surely does hurt when it comes to unspoken words... your heart can only handle so much. But, when it comes to finding the space to release, keeping it all in your head is never enough, causing nothing but flashbacks and broken tears. Man, what I'm I doing here? I see my purpose in life but, getting it is hard. Therefore, it's better when I put it into words.

  Living With a disability isn't easy when you have other conditions too. Yeah to the blue and white placard, there's nothing to become hype about. I rather park somewhere else. But, I'm not the one behind the wheel. I have been broken for a few days now, trying to gather all my thoughts in my head.

  I never look towards death... I know that is not the answer. I need space and I need freedom. I'm done with being connected at your hip, I'm me and this is who I'm.

  I have tried multiple times to voice my needs. And it just goes in one ear and out the other, damn when will it ever seep in. So, I rather build metal on a stone wall... You never want to see the best in me at all.

  A child who has a lot of potential, and will rise to the top...these eyes are tired of seeing things, and can't speak face to face...you really can't get a word in. So, throughout these years, I know where your heart truly lies and, I will do perfectly fine.

Dreamer

I am lost inside this bubble called "empty space." There are no rooms at all. And I'm just sitting clinched in the corner, jabbing my eye out with tears... my voice can't project how I feel. So, I wonder why I am left closed off to the world, seeing the same thing day after day. I want to close my eyes and pretend that I didn't see it. But, it's too late and I have to remain silent. My soul is hurting deeply in this shell, and I really need some comfort. But, these thoughts are racing. I'm like, speeding behind the wheel. Do I really need to speak and be heard like any other human being? Yes. But this life I am living must be kept secret. I am inside this bubble trying to figure things out. I am not allowed to voice my opinions outwardly. So, does this explain my unspoken words, or should I bury them deep inside for you? Yes! This soul is broken by other words that don't belong to me. Therefore, I became a vessel for their pain. And no, I don't want to shred tears of hurt. But, my soul needs to heal itself. My soul is here for a purpose. So, I am not going to stand still and allow other people's negative vibes to hinder my dream. I shall take this day by day... I am hoping for a brighter outcome. So, I say this with strength: there's an empire with my name on it. And I am not going to turn the lights out just yet.

The Truth behind this shadow

I am calling Houston, we have a problem. I am mentally stuck in a situation, and I seriously need to get out. I have been dealing with this for quite some time now. And I need some guidance... the situation is physically breaking me, and it's not my fault. I really don't wish this pain on no one. But, only a few can see this pain. I will continue to move forward, and break this chain... I have rights just like any other human being. I am done with your so-called pretend, every-time something is ailing me: Oh I have that too. I am done with all the comparisons. And I know we all go through that too. But, it has become too much out of hand. And it's really beginning to show itself to the world. Yes! Strangers can see right through it. So, it's not only me. But, I will break through this battle and will gain access to freedom... I am laying out the truth behind this shadow.

Reaching out

I don't understand why you keep giving me a hard way to go. And it's not like, I asked for a life of broken promises. And you want to keep a tight hold on me. You are truly breaking this soul... it hurts deep. So, I am going to keep reaching out to the universe... I know it hears and see's, what's going on. So, you can say and do, whatever you please. But, God knows what your heart is full of, and the world sees it too. I am done with having to feel like, I need to hide and stay wrapped up in a cocoon for most of my life. And always staying in because of someone else guilt. And I am not the one who is holding onto it. Plus there are many others who have seen and noticed that you are not what, you claim to be. I want my freedom, and it comes in a big package. You will not hinder me for your own satisfaction... will you try to mentally distort my mind, causing my brain to go haywire... I am not going to hold back... I have held on for so long. So it's time for you to let go. I do have the courage to speak and say how I truly feel. But, I won't allow you nor anyone else, to keep me away from reaching my destiny. I had built my path many years ago, and I even place a sign of encouragement, with every road I took, fighting off negative words...you did not want to see me reach. I have learned to keep on pushing because I chose to be somewhere, and that path is slowly approaching. Therefore, when that day arrives, my bags will be packed, and this door will be closed shut... I have ended my battle with you. And finally broke the cord, to my voice of freedom... with my power of strength that once was tried, became stronger and broke down your barrier walls. 

 Poetry corner These are my words. But, I can't take credit for this photo. These are Foxglove flowers.

Scream

Sometimes I want to run and hide--- from the daily struggles that I live with. It's like a no-win situation, and for some, it becomes a verbal war. God, I pray to just build me up and open their eyes wider because they don't really know, how it feels to be me. The beginning of my life could have been hell. But, through the grace of you, God, I am alive and proud. But, it hurts knowing that, I have a challenge that is unbearable at times. But, others don't see it, and it becomes quite frustrating to speak. Especially, around those who really know me. And sometimes I wish they could step out, and try to walk a day in my shoes. But, it's nearly impossible for them to grasp. So, why do I even need to speak, if my communication becomes complicated to them... I need to be heard. Therefore, I struggle with communicating, and I do my best to understand. But, don't get mad at me, when I can not respond to your conversation... you have used words out of my vocabulary. So, that makes your conversation, extremely difficult for me to reply to. Therefore, please don't lose your patience with me, I just need a much clearer understanding. So, please don't scream at me!!!

 Poetry Corner This poem is about me and, my life living with an invisible disability. Yes, I have difficulties with speaking at times. And it becomes extremely frustrating...the words don't come outright.


 Note: These are my words. But, I can not take credit for this picture.

Daddy lil girl

In the morning, I cut back tears, while my heart begins to heal from this distant pain. Sometimes I sit down in silence wondering, if you are thinking about me--- I know I'm thinking of you. I have spent so many years without you by my side. Especially, when I truly needed you the most, all I could do is, break down and cry. But, you were never there to wipe away my heartachingly tears which I had shed. And all I had to look back on was photographic memories that bring heartachingly tears. Now, my heart is left with a permanent scar. I had a dream, just like Martin Luther King once had. But, my dream is quite different, and I know that, I will progress in this dream journey. And I won't waste another second, allowing my heart to hold onto this pain...this pain can leave a mental effect on your soul. And I don't understand why someone so cold-heartedly would inflict pain upon a young child's soul...that child's soul is nothing to be tempered with. And a parent should cherish their child's desire, and not keep a child away, so they can be gleeful, being with that child. Daddy lil girl, will walk down many aisles, in her journey through life. And her heart will be filled with joy, knowing when she spots her father, her heart shall be full again, knowing that she is ready to wrap up all this pain. Daddy if you are out there, as the voice of a young girl speaks, she no longer wants her heart to be drenched with pain, she wants her father to console her, letting her know everything will be okay... it's time for her soul to heal. So, the next time daddy's lil girl cries, it will be tears of joy. 

 Poetry Corner: These words I can take credit for. But, this picture I can not. Image may contain: one or more people